Hi Mittens! How are you doing today? Hold on a moment… Are you talking to me? Did I give you permission to speak?
Erm, no…
Well then, shut up! I don’t yabber to everyone, you know. Unless you’ve got some food you want to give me, I’m not purring anything to you.
We just wanted to chat to you about Bolt…
You know Bolt? That dog is crazy, man! He jumps out of trucks doing 80 on the freeway, but he doesn’t have a clue what blood is. It’s so weird!
That does sound a little strange…
It sure is. He’s the only dog in the world who doesn’t know how to beg, too. All you have to do is tilt your head, but he had never done it before. He didn’t have a clue! What’s that all about? I had to teach him to drop his ears and ever-so- slightly look up. He soon got the hang of it, though.
Did it work?
Of course it did! We ate very well that day. Soup was definitely up – and there was lots of it. I remember enjoying my fair share of hot dogs with mustard. I hadn’t eaten like that in ages. It was wonderful. It was amazing. What a day!
Was he looking for Penny?
That’s right. I spotted his dog collar was from Hollywood and thankfully I knew where I could find a map. He had a big journey ahead of him because Penny was on the other side of America.
Did you help him on his way?
Wait a minute… What’s with all these questions? You’re starting to annoy me, buddy. I’ve got some pretty evil claws under these mitts and I’m not afraid to use them if you don’t stop your whining.
You wouldn’t hurt us, would you?
I’m holding these bad boys back as much as I can, but it’s not me you need to talk to. My stomach has a direct line to the claws – and my stomach is very hungry. (Mittens’ stomach starts to growl) Unless you’ve got some food to offer me, I’m outta here.
But we’ve heard a rumor you’ve been de-clawed…
What?! Who told you that? Tell me. Tell me now! I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous…
So it’s not true?
I’m not talking to you anymore. You’re stressing me out. I don’t find your questions very funny – and I don’t like what you’re suggesting. Do you really think I haven’t got claws under these mitts? Wanna test me, buddy? I’ll take you on…
No, no… It’s alright. We’ll leave you – but can you please answer one more question before we go?
Oh, go on then. What is it?
We just want to know why cats hate dogs so much?
Why do we hate dogs? Because we want to be dogs. We have dog complexes.
Really?
Sure. Dogs slobber, they sleep, they chase their tails and chew shoes. They do things like drink out of toilet bowls and stick their heads out of car windows. Cats are envious of dogs, but they won’t admit it. (Mittens’ stomach growls again) And with that, I’m off. If you tell anyone what I’ve admitted here today, I’ll come and find you – and the claws won’t be happy. You’ve been warned! (Mittens scampers)
But wait! I'm not done yet!
I've got more to say!
| | Permalink
 |
