and tomorrow, I’m taking a day off.
This morning went pretty smoothly. Yeah, right. They never wrote it down last week when I told them mom had a dentist appointment this morning. She was in bed, covered up when I got there. Still in yesterday’s clothes.
I said “mom, get up, you have to change, you’re going to the dentist!” While she was changing, I found a half of her breakfast wrapped up in two Kleenex tissues. I don’t imagine she was saving it for later. She was hiding it. She’s still playing games when it comes to food.
Anyway, we made it to the dentist on time. We were getting along pretty well. We weren’t at the dentist long and on the way back to the facility, I picked up a burger for her at Del Taco and I got a burrito. And I got us large drinks. We got back to the facility (she didn’t understand why I didn’t take her home) and got her back into her room and back into her bed. She told me I could go, she’d eat her meal later. Which meant she wasn’t going to eat it at all.
I told her to eat it now, not later, we didn’t get the food to be eaten later. She said she’d put it in the microwave later. “Mom, you don’t have a microwave.”
So, she split the burger into two pieces and took a bite. Then she wiped her mouth. She’s good at this. She set the napkin down and took another bite. The napkin had opened. The bite she’d taken was in it. She spit out the food. I didn’t say anything, then she told me she was done. I said “you’re not eating anymore?” She said no, she was not. I took the food, and put it in the trash. I mentioned the piece of burger in the napkin. She denied it. I showed it to her. I asked her “how stupid do you think I am?” I went and got one of the guys who brings in the food and told him that she wasn’t eating, could he get her the regular meal she was supposed to have had? Since there was no note to not bring the meal, they did have one for her. And I asked him if he would take care of it. He said “sure”. He found her meal and brought it in. She looked at me in surprise. I told her you didn’t want what I bought for you, you have to eat. So, Tommy is going to make sure you eat. I told her I wouldn’t be there tomorrow, I was taking the day off and I’d see her Friday. And I left.
But I forgot her walker and I had to go back. Tommy had her bed in an upright position, she had her towel/bib on her lap and he was feeding her, she wasn’t feeding herself. She said “when can I go home?” and he said “when you eat”.
It’s very frustrating for me, because I want her to get better. But unless the new dentures come with a miracle, I can’t see it happening. I’m afraid she’s going to just starve to death. And this is hard for me. I will not be one of those who has her force fed. I won’t do it. What kind of a miserable ass life would that be? I don’t think she’ll eat wherever she is. At an assisted care place, at a board and care, in the hospital, if eating is such a frikking chore for her, then maybe it would be best to let nature take it’s course.
Take her home, drop her off, make sure she’s got microwavable food, lots of water, then say goodbye. Call her every morning, she can lie to me and tell me she’s good, she’s eating and I can pretend that I believe her. Then one day, she just won’t answer the phone because she’ll have finally done what she’s been trying to do for the past year. She’ll have starved to death.
At least she’ll be in a place that’s been a comfort to her these past twenty years.
I’m just so frustrated right now. Put her in a home, she’ll be miserable and she won’t eat. Take her home, she’ll be happy and she won’t eat. Both with the same results, one just a little quicker.
*sigh*
I hate this. Because I know I can’t make her want to live. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do or what I say, I can’t make her want to live. And I don’t want to watch as she kills herself.
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