lisaviolet's diary

I’m not real good at maintaining them. I think it has to do with my childhood. You know, having no brothers or sisters and moving every two and a half/three years. I never kept in touch, just found new friends.

And, even though I’ve lived in the same twenty mile radius since my dad retired here to San Diego, I still don’t have any local friends, beyond Brian. I was friends with the neighbors for a while, but one started nagging me about the trees every time we talked (I told her to take it up with Brian, but she just kept on my ass about them; what did she expect me to do, threaten to divorce him if he didn’t cut them down?) and the other one started to smother me. She’d come over here and just wouldn’t leave. I’d have work to do and she’d just hang around. We’d still visit occasionally. When they built the garage in the back yard, we had their dog for months because their yard was open. They gave us one small bag of dog food and NEVER visited their pup. When the fence was back up, they took her back.

I asked her once if she’d check in on the cats when we went up to Disneyland for the night. She said she would. She didn’t. She asked if I was mad, I should have been honest and told her “yes”, but I just said “no, but I wish you’d let me know you didn’t want to do it, I’d have made other arrangements” and pretty much quit talking to her. My cats are my babies, don’t try to teach me a lesson and put their safety on the line. It wouldn’t have taken fifteen minutes of her time.

I’ve made some online friends, and become good in real life friends with a few of them. But I notice that I still do the same thing that I’ve done my whole life. If I feel smothered, I’ll walk away. (At one of the Disney meets, when I was in a bad mood and wanted a little space, one followed me to the restroom to make sure I didn’t go back to the hotel and leave the group; she waited for me outside - smothered, the end!) If I feel like I’m the only one making any effort to keep the friendship going, I’ll walk away when it finally dawns on me. People grow apart, I understand that. I respect that. If I feel like the only time someone has any time for me is when they’re bored, I don’t put much effort into keeping it going.

I’ve got a couple of friends now that I consider good friends. We don’t talk on an everyday basis, but I know if there was anything I ever needed, they’d be right there for me. And I’d be there for them, should they need my help.

I like that.

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Sunday, June 21, 2009