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      Tuesday, March 20, 2007

tales from the parkside
02:35 PM - 03/20/2007

The topic: Sigh


Last Friday, Brian and I went shopping. He got home early and it was nice to get the shopping done and not have to worry about it on the weekend.

We’d gotten my mom a case of Sharp’s at CostCo, so stopped by her house on the way home. I knocked at the back door and it took forever for her to get it open.  The smell of cigarette smoke surrounded her. 

Brian carried the case in and set it on the dryer.  She said “let me pay you” and I followed her in.  There, next to her spot on the sofa was a can of Bud and an ashtray, with ashes and a cigarette butt.  I looked at it. 

“Oh, that’s from last week.” 

Yeah, right.  She keeps the place spotless.  She said that she was just feeling down and got a six-pack of beer and a pack of the cheapest cigarettes they had.  She said “I only smoked two.”   She was lying. She said she’d only had one beer.  But she was doing the lip licking thing, the I’m really thirsty thing.  I doubt she’d only had one beer.

She said “are you mad at me?”  No, I’m disappointed.  You were doing so good.  I left without taking any money for the Sharp’s.  I didn’t care about the money.  When I walked out the door, she followed me.  “You won’t tell Brian will you?”  I answered “Of course I’ll tell Brian.”

When I got home, I called her, we had a long talk.

I told her “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”. She’s fooled me twice now.  I think I’ll have a hard time believing her from now on, when it comes to cigarettes and beer.

Ah man I am really sorry…...I know you were disappointed.

Posted by DonnaB @ Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 7:16:06 PM

Yup, yoo are now the parent. I went thru this with my mother right up to her death. They get that “I’m your mother and I don’t have to listen to you” attitude then they get all apologetic and then they say they ‘won’t’ or ‘will’ do what ever it is they are not/are suppose to do. But they don’t. My mom was a diabetic, she ate candy and drank regular coke. I’d get her diet coke, buy her sugar free candy. She once at the whole bag of candy in an hour and had ‘the squirts’ for two days, then said it was the candy. Her ‘system’ just couldn’t handle it. Well mom, not the whole damn bag all at once. In the end all I could do was sit at her bedside and watch her die.

Posted by Donna @ Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 8:30:17 AM

I’m sorry to hear this.  I know you had hoped she had finally turned herself around and was doing the healthy thing.  Wish I knew saome magic words you could use to help her see that what she is doing in harming her and hurting you but she already knows that.

Posted by laura_alaska @ Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 10:21:54 AM

I’m sorry.  How very, very disappointing.

Donna’s right, eventually we become the parents.

Posted by Naf @ Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 11:14:17 AM

You know, I hoped that your mom had made longlasting improvements in her life, and I know that there are no excuses or reasonable or rational things that can excuse her actions, I DO know however, that you have done your absolute best for her.  You can do no more than your best.

My husband tried to help his father, who had been diagnosed with cancer, he bought every possible cure, he read every possible medical and alternative article, gave him every waking moment that he had.  His father eventually after much hard work, and many, many months, got a (non surgical) ‘all clear’ from his bladder cancer… it appeared that my hubby’s treatment (All herbal, non-invasive etc had worked)

After the ‘all clear’, his father secretely continued to smoke, he wouldn’t continue to eat the diet that he was supposed to, he stopped taking the remedy herbs, and he also he didn’t go for his follow up work with his oncologist (who had encouraged him to continue with this healthy lifestyle which he attributed very much to his remission)- anyway - his fathers reasons? - he didn’t have any god ones of course… he just simply didn’t want to comply any more.

My husband was devestated when his fathers cancer returned, this time with a vengance - he was powerless to intervene as this time as it had come to his lungs, brain and liver and the health course takes some months to kick in - he had less than 3 weeks from new diagnosis to his passing…. my husband went through so much pain and anger as he felt that he had let his father down, should have watched over him, made sure that he kept up with the health regime, made sure he went for the follow up work… but he was the only one who wanted to make it work…. his mother and sister believed it was all too hard (They lived together with his father) - the food, drink and herbal preperations ‘took to long’, it was all ‘too hard’.

My wonderful husband suffered guilt, pain and powerlessness in the face of his father death…

But how much could he, a son, force his father , also an adult, to do?

I felt for my man, who cared, with so many actions not just words, who did all that he could, he too could do no more…

Sorry for going on - I just want you to know that you are a fine and caring woman, and like my husband, you can only do your best, the failure of others not accepting what they need to do - not doing what you know is the right and correct thing to do, is no reflection on you in any way, shape or form!

For what it is worth - I know you are an exceptional person and that you are doing and have done all you can!

Take care!


Posted by Kerry LSM & Kitties Mum @ Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 5:13:15 AM

I know exactly how you felt when you smelled cigarette on her.
My Daddy would not quit, after two surgeries and many doctor visits.
Like Donna’s Mom, all we could do was sit in the hospital and watch him die.

I thought the sun rose and set with my Daddy, but think I lost some respect for him when he was determined to smoke. He would get angry if we talked to him about it. He smoked well over 60 years, starting in the Army during WWII when cigarettes were given to servicemen.

I’m sorry your Mom has not been able to quit, but you’ve done the best and all you can do for her. It’s a mind-set thing, she has to decide.

Posted by Bobbie @ Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 7:12:37 AM

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lisaviolet is sixty something, married with no kids, takes care of lots of cats, likes taking photographs, loves Southern California weather and spends altogether too much time avoiding her responsibilities.

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