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      Wednesday, July 05, 2006

11:47 AM - 07/05/2006

The topic: Missing Ciara


It’s weird. It’s like she’s been gone for months, not days. My emotional state isn’t raw. Her absence doesn’t feel “fresh”, if that makes any sense.

Maybe it’s because she’s slowly been leaving us since the beginning of the year and I just didn’t know it.  Thinking back on it, I wouldn’t doubt if she had cancer. From the first time she started limping, she never did get better.  Sure, the metacam helped at the beginning, but towards the end, when the vet said she could have it every other day, it wasn’t working so good, she was still pretty sore.

And the way this thing progressed up her back would indicate something that spreads or grows, like cancer does.  Whatever it was, I know it was nothing that could be stopped, no matter how many vets or specialists she saw.  And I think she knew that, too. It’s spooky the way she just crashed within hours of having that MRI scheduled.  Almost as if she was saying “don’t waste our time on something like that, it won’t do any good”.

Her ashes should be back tomorrow.  She’ll be home forever.

When I had to put Emma to sleep in October 2002 and then had to do the same for her sister, Possum, the following March, my reactions to the two were different.  I mourned them both, but I was consumed by guilt with Emma.  I wonder now if I could have done more for her.  With Possum, I was doing more and she ended up in liver failure and the choice of what I had to do for her was simple if you can ever call putting an animal you love to sleep simple.  I knew without a doubt that Possum was too sick and would suffer too much.  I miss Emma and I feel so guilty still, but Possum, I just mourn her as much as I will mourn any of my babies.  Maybe that’s how you are with Ciara.  She was sick, had been for a while, and as hard as it was to let her go, you really had no choice.  I know you are mourning her, but maybe the grief is easier to handle becuase you know you really had no other choice to ease her pain.

Does that make any sense?  LOL She was such a pretty girl.  I am glad I found your site and learned that you had your fur kids cremated so you can take them with you.  I wish I had done that for my girls.  I hate the thought of leaving this house and knowing they can’t come with me.

Posted by Lisa @ Wednesday, July 05, 2006 - 7:15:59 PM

I think Lisa has a point.  When my boys passed away, I wasn’t really ready for F’lar to go, it was a surprise and I still mourn him (2000).  But when Jaxom left (2001-just under a year after his life long friend), I knew he was sick, though it was difficult and he was so endearring, it didn’t hurt as much, or as long.
When our feral cat died earlier this year, it was a total shock, and it upset me because I was suffering from pinched nerve in the back and didn’t notice her getting bad (guilt), I never saw her sick, and then one day she wasn’t there.  Mom found her body when she came back from being with her Mom, and I felt so terrible, if I had known she was having trouble I could have been prepared (or done something to help her).  Maybe you have been preparing yourself for a long time.  Ciara was such a sweatheart, you will miss her, but it is good she isn’t suffering anymore.

Posted by May Ellen @ Thursday, July 06, 2006 - 9:08:29 AM

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lisaviolet is sixty something, married with no kids, takes care of lots of cats, likes taking photographs, loves Southern California weather and spends altogether too much time avoiding her responsibilities.

In her spare time, she makes pretty things to sell in her store.

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