We had the chance to see the new Johnny Depp vehicle, "Mortdecai" tonight. We had the passes. But the last few Depp movies have been really weird. Brian's busy, so we just figured we'd not go. The screening was in La Jolla and honestly, we were kind of afraid that the trailers for the movie contained (as so often happens) all the best parts of the film and just decided to pass on it. Then I got notice that there were passes available for "Kingsman". From the trailers I could find, it looked like a movie we'd enjoy. Here's one of them.
When the movie was over and we were walking out, I asked Brian "What the fuh was that?" Talk about a weird movie. What did we just see? What was that?It started out violently. But it was okay because the opening soundtrack was Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing". Really! Awesome, this is going to be a great film! Then it kind of smoothed out somewhat. Then there was more violence. Granted, the violence was done in such a manner that it was just surreal.The premise is of a British secret service agency, that's been around for hundreds of years, descending from the Knights of the Round Table. They are so secret that no one has ever heard of them. They're called "Kingsman". The front for their agency is a tailor's shop. Lots of great special effects and Bondish types of fun weaponry. Bullet proof umbrellas, lighters that act as grenades, pens that can poison....all very interesting. Samuel L. Jackson plays the villain, a billionaire named Valentine. He has a speech impediment that's not consistent and annoying.The service has lost a member and is looking for a replacement, to be chosen from one of the candidates that each member of the agency has nominated. There's training and learning and one by one, the candidates are sent home, until only one is left. That one becomes the replacement. And that's when the movie gets, um, serious? Wrong word, for sure.I just couldn't decide if this movie was supposed to be humorous or what? I wondered if Mortdecai was any better. Unless you don't have anything better to do, I wouldn't waste my time. I won't watch it again.And for the first time since I've been doing these little reviews, I'm going to add to this in the "but wait, there's more" section. And there will be spoilers.
Okay, if you don't want to know more about this film, quit reading, right now.
Still here? Okay.
Valentine (Jackson) is an eccentric billionaire who believes that the Earth has a virus and that virus is people. He explains that, as in humans when they're ill and their bodies are fighting off sickness, they get a fever. Climate change (global warming) is the Earth's reaction to her (human) virus. And the only way to make her better is to get rid of the humans. Follow this?
He offers the world free internet, free cell service, free sim cards for all. And billions take him up on it. But, as we find out in a small Evangelistic church in Kentucky (why is it always Kentucky?), there's a madness to his madness. At a certain point, he and his assistant (a killer in her own right, she has prosthetic legs and like the movies where the guys with hooks instead of hands caused all sorts of havoc, she does quite well in the killing field with her "legs"; she's quite adept at slicing and dicing people) are a thousand yards away from the church and flip a switch and a message is sent to all the phones. The people in the church go nuts and start fighting, ending up with all but one of the people in the church dead. It was done in slow motion, and it was a gruesome sight.
And that's his plan. To kill the people on Earth so the Earth can rebound from the human sickness she has. And he does it via the free phone service.
He's enlisted world leaders. And once they agree to his terms (he talks a good game), they are implanted with a chip behind their ear. And one of the things he can do with these chips is he can kill the person with the chip. By making their heads explode. Towards the end of the movie, it's a free for all. Heads are exploding all over the place. It wasn't bloody or anything like that, oh, no. It was fireworks. Like on the fourth of July. And colorful smoke arose from each lost head.
Surreal.
It was just surreal.
A real
movie, for sure.
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